The following short piece of fictional humor is one chapter of a collection of ‘Uncle Earle and Aunt May’ stories, original written several years ago. I hope to included several of these in the near future. Note: all of these stories, or parts thereof, are drawn from tidbits of personal experience, knowledge, or some taco induced wild dream. Who knows, you might just think you see yourself in one of these stories!
Last month the Wag-A-Bag hired on a new cashier, a youngster fresh out of high school. She worked only afternoons and Saturdays. From the first time Uncle Earle laid eyes on her, he was struck! Not on her, and not in the way you might think. Uncle Earle got all starry-eyed over the young lady’s rear end! “Boy oh boy, Billy,” he said to me, “That girl’s got the finest hinny I ever laid eyes on!”
Uncle Earle’s in his 80’s. I’ve always believed he was harmless, and still do. But just because there’s snow on the roof, that’s no sign there’s not fire in the furnace. Anyway, Uncle Earle was really fixated on that girl’s behind. And he wasn’t shy in spreading the word about her fair fanny to any and all who’d listen. “You mention that girl’s BE-hind one more time in this house Earle,” Aunt May barked, “and I’ll kick YOURS clear to the back side of nowhere!” But that didn’t stop Uncle Earle. He praised her posterior high and low. Most men in town, being men, thought that perhaps they’d better go see this thing that had come to pass. Men who’d never grocery shopped a day in their lives suddenly wanted to go shopping. Me included. I must say, Uncle Earle was right.
Earl and May really were out of eggs. So Uncle Earle naturally volunteered to go to the store. They often fix ‘breakfast’ for supper. It was nearly 7, and the Wag-A-Bag closes at 7, so Uncle Earle got a move on. He was briskly walking up to the door when Tom Barnes, the store’s manager, pulled out his keys to lock up. Uncle Earle’s still spry for his age, so as quick as a rabbit he darted in, almost knocking Tom over. Uncle Earle made a bee-line to the egg case, and began searching through each box to see if any were broken. It really gets Uncle Earle’s craw to find 3 or 4 opened egg cartons with one broken egg in each. So he proceeded to re-package the eggs, carefully putting all the cracked eggs into one carton.
“Earle!” barked Tom Barnes from the front of the store, “Hurry it up for crying out loud!” Soon, eggs were not all Uncle Earl in his basket. He had cheese, eggs, a package of wieners, and 3 small tubs of yogurt. Finally, hurrying up to the register, Uncle Earle was disappointed to see that Honey Buns wasn’t there! She’d gone to the employee’s lockers in the back to get her purse. Tom, checked him out. What a let down!
But just as Uncle Earle was gathering up his purchases, suddenly the girl, Fancy Pants, Little Miss Booty-ful, Honey Buns – appeared at the ‘out’ door. Tom hadn’t locked the OUT door yet. She was wearing loose fitting, white cotton jogging pants. Warm-Ups folks call ‘em. She was carrying a purse, her car keys, and a bag of groceries. Just as she reached to push the OUT door, she dropped her purse scattering small change across the floor.
Now this girl, the subject of much praise and adoration from the wolves of town, had never been given any overt reasons to suspect that her hind end was the subject of such extreme interest. Otherwise, she’d been more cautious in her actions. So when her change fell onto the floor, she innocently bent over to pick it up. Bad move. Or good move, depending on how you look at it. (Pardon the pun.)
Uncle Earle was in the process of following Sweet-thing out the door when she dropped the purse, so when she stopped and bent over, well – her adorable posterior was – right there. Those cotton warm-ups were not all that thick. When she bent over, they became quite form-fitting – right across the area of Uncle Earle’s deep seated attraction. Underneath, Uncle Earle recalled in vivid detail, she was wearing yellow panties – with pink and blue flowers. Uncle Earle has amazing recall for a man his age. What happened next will be talked about around the Wag-A-Bag for years to come.
Once a mountaineer was asked why he climbed the mountain. “Because it’s there,” he replied. And ‘it’ was there – right within Uncle Earle’s reach.
He told me later that it was those pink and blue flowers that did it. “Had it a-been those baggy pink bloomers what May wears, that would-a been different. It was them bloomin’ FLOWERS!”
In a daze, Uncle Earle dropped his bag of groceries, and reached out toward those twin fields of pink and blue flowers, taking a double handful of her well defined rump! With a scream that could be heard in the next county, the girl jerked erect, her arms flailing in terror. Uncle Earle stumbled backwards, planting one foot squarely in the middle of the egg carton. Racing out the door, the freaked-out girl barreled headlong right into the side of Officer O’Neill’s patrol cruiser. I don’t know if Tom would’ve called the police or not. And that poor girl was too hysterical to think of anything short of rearranging Uncle Earle’s face. So Officer O’Neill, who just happened to be making his rounds, took control of the situation and did the honors.
A few hours later, Aunt May and I were at the county jail bailing out Uncle Earle. “Why, Uncle Earle? What possessed you to do that?” I asked. Aunt May was both furious and mortified with shame.
“Them flowers, them flowers,” was all he could mutter. Tom Barnes banished Uncle Earle from EVER coming back to the wag-A-Bag, and the traumatized Honey Buns never came back either. It cost Uncle Earle a hundred and fifty dollars of his Social Security check to get out of jail. “Well I hope you’re satisfied Earle,” said Aunt May, as she slammed the money on the counter. “Was it worth it old man?” she barked, “Was it worth it?”
I could have sworn a saw a tiny smile creep across his thin lips… “Yup. Yup… it wuz.”